


Is life made of fears

by Windupsanson



Series: How to heal from the past? [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Multi, Non-binary character, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, no betas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24214639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windupsanson/pseuds/Windupsanson
Summary: What happened to Estinien and Foulques experiences? Does the former Azure Dragoon feels no fear?Chapter one Foulques/Wol/EstinienChapter two Aymeric/Estinien
Relationships: Aymeric de Borel/Estinien Wyrmblood, Aymeric de Borel/Warrior of Light/Estinien Wyrmblood, Estinien Wyrmblood/Original Character(s), Foulques & Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Foulques/Estinien Wyrmblood, Foulques/Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Warrior of Light/Estinien Wyrmblood
Series: How to heal from the past? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747903
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Other original characters mentioned from other fanfics by author.

It was another of those nights for Estinien, he couldn’t sleep, he was in Gridania with his loved ones, safe. Why couldn’t he rest?  
Quietly he made it to the kitchen looking for some alcohol when he heard a voice.  
“Again my love? Why don’t you just call us? To keep drinking like that is no good for you. We are here for you after all.”  
He startled and jumped back looking for a weapon before realizing it was just his two lovers, luckily both Foulques and My’ya knew that feeling too well themselves.  
“We are sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Said Foulques with a soft voice, trying to do what they did when he was hunted by his own nightmares.

“No, I don’t know what happened, I’m stupid being scared of my own shadow lately. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was going to wake both of you up.”

“You took too much care not to wake us up when that’s exactly what you should have done.” My’ya said with near desperation. The xaela looked like they were crying. “How many nights have you comforted us? Why can’t we do the same for you? Let us help you.”

“I didn’t want to bother you…” whispered Estinien before being interrupted.

“Lies” said Foulques suddenly. “You don’t want to look like a coward being afraid of the past, did you forget we all share that feeling? I almost lost my life trying to be “fearless”, there is no such thing, you need support, we are here. Take it. We love you Estinien and you know that at least, being brave and foolish almost cost me my life, I still wake up with the feeling of falling to my death every night, you know that. Did you think I would judge you? What about My’ya? You know them, we would never judge you.”

Estinien was speechless. For Foulques to be so candid and speak of his past. Clearly he wasn’t the only one haunted. He thought Foulques was scarred by the betrayal and bigotry but to hear he admit his near death also was his fear. Damn it, of course it was, how could Estinien failed to notice that about his own husband?

Estinien slowly put the bottle he kept hidden away on the table and hugged both his spouses.

“I’m sorry, I need help. I don’t know what to do with myself, I can still hear his voice, the dragon has left yet his voice threatens me to kill those I love in my dreams, I fought all my life for revenge but don’t know what to do with love, what if I lose you, either of you, or Aymeric or Alberic? What will I do? I don’t know what to do, I know Niddhog is gone, I know I am myself but I see the destruction he caused using my body, I remember being nothing but a toy for him, a fool for him to use, how he delighted in my pain. How can I get rid of this pain, of this nightmare?”

“I don’t have answers for you Estinien dearest except that we will help and will find a way, until then we are here for you.” Said My’ya.

“If I knew how I would have found peace, something tells me it’s the same for My’ya. I can only promise to comfort you. Promise to trust us.”

“Only if you trust us back, what you just said Foulques, you rarely mentioned but never like this.” Told Estinien.

“Not the time to talk about me.”

“Please, tell us.”

“I will, my sister knows some of it, so does Sanson, I will share it I promise but not now.”

“Sanson? That’s surprising?” Said My’ya.

“He has been trying to befriend me ever since I took the Noire boy into our care too, he told me how he almost died and got kidnapped in a mission, he was surprisingly open, something made me share it.”

“You can trust him, glad you have been sharing with someone at least. It seems we all need to talk.” Spoke My’ya.

“Speaking about it, I’m worried about the others, Fleurette and Noire, even Sanson and Guydelot, they aren’t okay.” 

“After that meeting with Kan-E-Senna it was hard to be alright.”

“We should decide what to do soon.” Foulques told them. He was conflicted like his sister.

“We will, now let’s rest. We also need to get rid of that bottle apparently.” Tactless said My’ya.

Estinien looked ashamed but soon was hugged by them and placed his head among their shoulders and cried. Who besides them and Aymeric knew the former Azure Dragoon could shed tears, not even in Alberic’s home he had done that. Finally he found a place to trust with his traumas.  
He loved them and Aymeric more than anything.


	2. Aymeric ‘s love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Estinien needs Aymeric support?

Aymeric and Estinien were in a rare occasion together in Ishgard, Estinien didn’t like the city but Aymeric had little choice in the matter.

“So you told them? This is why you are finally telling me? Couldn’t you trust me? After all we've been through?” Said Aymeric looking down.

Estinien was shocked, he expected support not accusations, he was ready to leave holding back tears, damn what happened to him that he was now able to cry?

He turned his back to Aymeric and was ready to get out before he felt a grip on his arm and jumped with his spear in hand to the other side of the room ready to fight only to see Aymeric startled face.

Estinien couldn’t take it, those embarrassing reactions, this fear, the accusations of not trusting Aymeric when he was trying to hide this from everybody, he fell on his knees and began crying desperately to Aymeric.

“ You think I don’t trust you? The one I don’t trust is myself. There is something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. Do you think I told them? I didn’t, they found out. I don’t trust anyone, not when I’m like this, not when I am this monster, do you know how it feels to lose everything, do you know how it feels to be controlled? To be a puppet because you finally, finally thought it was over! I let go for one moment of my self control and how many lives were lost? How many people I killed? It was my body and I was weak, I was weak Aymeric! I was a toy, nothing to him, I can still hear him, Niddhog hasn’t left me. I mean his true self did but his ghost remains, the marks remain, I am a monster! Part dragon now, can’t you tell, I asked, I won’t turn or anything but it’s enough, I’m stronger and resent it. Do you know how I hide it from you? I never let myself lose control, I simply dissociate until my mind wanders and his voice is just an echo. What should I do? I am afraid! I have always been afraid and suppressed it with every emotion but revenge, I don’t know how to handle emotions now, it was the cost of being the Azure Dragoon. No, it was the cost of the loss I suffered too. Aymeric, help me.”

Aymeric was shocked and ashamed of his previous reaction, the situation was clearly worse than he thought, what was he thinking accusing someone in need of support.

He leaned over Estinien carefully and sat next to him, taking care to remove the weapon of Estinien’s hands, he touched his tear stained face and kissed him slowly.

“Estinien, I’m sorry, I had no idea, remember that I love you alright, by Halone I’m sorry for accusing you like this. You need me and I was foolish but I’m here now. Tell me, you mentioned losing control and turning, are you sure about this? I ask only out of concern.”

“Concern for me or others? Don’t worry, I checked with the scions and the great wyrm himself.” Was Estinien cold answer. 

“Estinien? Of course it's a concern for you, I love you, please believe me.” Aymeric tried to hug Estinien only to have the elezen move further away. Estinien was clearly hurt.

“Estinien? Please let me get close? I promise I care for you more than anything, please know that, I love you. I will help you, I might not understand what you are going through but I understand being hunted by your past wounds, nothing like yours but I’ll do my best to help you.”

“You have those too? About what?”

Aymeric wasn’t sure if he was worried for him or changing the topic, probably both.

“About my sire and what happened at the vault, the wards were tempered and merciless. The fact my own father gave the order for me to be questioned…” Aymeric lost his voice at this point.

Estinien got closer and hugged him, giving him a kiss, this time Aymeric was the one almost in tears.

“No need to be the brave Lord Commander here, cry all you need.” Said Estinien.

Aymeric smiled sadly and let his tears fall. They exchanged kisses, taking care of each other’s wounds.

“Now your turn.” Spoke Aymeric.

“Hmm, do you have to?” Stubbornly said Estinien.

“Yes you do.” Even more stubbornly said Aymeric.

“Fine, it’s like I said, apparently I’m traumatized and a mess and drinking too much, don’t worry my spouses put a stop to that and apparently insisted that they are equally traumatized messes as I am. Stubborn fools like you, apparently it’s my type right?”

That got Aymeric laughing.”It takes three stubborn lovers to keep up with you my love.” 

“I’m glad, at least I haven’t lost my touch.”

They were huddled together. Kissing and comforting one another.

“Aymeric, I need all of you to help me with this and we need to help each other too, I mean all four of us, we need help. I most of all. I’m not a threat, of that I am sure, except maybe for myself, I look at my reflection and see him. I can’t go on like this.”

“You won’t, healers might help, you live in Gridania, I’m sure we can find someone. We are all in this together, I promise.”

Aymeric promised himself never to lose faith in Estinien again, he remembered the arrow he shot against his love, never again, no more mistakes. He was going to help him whatever it takes and was going to see his friends the Warrior of Light and Foulques about it.

One question stayed in his mind, should he wait more before asking Estinien to marry him too or do it soon? Maybe asking Estinien’s spouses would help.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
